What Everyone In A High-Conflict Divorce Wants Their Family Law and Mental Health Professionals To Know
A few years ago, Gwyneth Paltrow sent “conscious uncoupling” and “conscious co-parenting” into the zeitgeist when she separated from her husband Chris Martin. Her widely-publicized mission to divorce and co-parent with dignity ignited a conversation about what the terms “conscious uncoupling” and “conscious co-parenting” mean, and how to practice them.
While she set a good example, there was nothing new about the concepts she touted. They are simply a re-branding of an amicable divorce model that mental health professionals and mediators have been advocating for years. Although it certainly can’t hurt to reiterate what should be obvious — that high-conflict divorce harms children — this philosophy is one that most reasonable people will eventually implement on their own because they are by nature capable of recognizing what’s in the child’s best interest, even when that means biting their tongue and swallowing their pride.
But high-conflict personalities do not possess this insight. You can trot out a whole panel of mental health professionals to champion the benefits of “conscious co-parenting,” and it won’t change their minds. In fact, this approach will likely inflame high-conflict exes who can’t tolerate a threat to their worldview. These personalities thrive on drama and will go on the offensive to prove everyone wrong — and the more esteemed the mental health and family law practitioner, the better!
Because mental health professionals are trained to work with the couple, and to teach traditional communication skills, they continue to tell people who are incapable of co-parenting that they should co-parent. Emphasizing this philosophy just sets up a power struggle with high-conflict people digging in their heels. And it can actually make matters worse.
What Happens When Only One Person Consciously Co-Parents
Telling a reasonable ex to attempt co-parenting no matter what can set this person up to be a doormat. He will continue to accommodate the unreasonable ex because he has always been the accommodater and now, post-divorce, with the children’s well-being at stake, he’s afraid to rock the boat.
Because high-conflict exes can’t differentiate their needs from those of their children, they will go to great lengths to hurt the other parent and “win.” The more aggressive they get, the more the person trying to co-parent will back down. This cycle skews a power imbalance that never leads to conscious co-parenting — effective co-parenting requires both parents’ participation — and can often damage children.
The people who contact me are often the ones at the wrong end of the seesaw. They don’t finalize divorce agreements because the other person fights everything, or they agree to vague, loophole-laden agreements to keep the peace. They accept devastating financial terms and inequitable custody arrangements. They stop trying to enforce timeshare agreements, or child support, because the high-conflict ex takes the children hostage. This runs the gamut from bad-mouthing to making false abuse allegations to threatening suicide if the other parent insists on visitation.
If Co-Parenting Doesn’t Work, What Does?
Any person who has divorced in this century would have to have been hiding under a rock not to know about the virtues of amicable co-parenting. We need to start a new conversation aimed at those who really need it: the exes and children of high-conflict personalities. Here are some thoughts about how to do that
1. Educate the public, and mental health and family law professionals about personality disorders and how to help those divorcing people who have one.
Author and family court reform advocate Tina Swithin has done an incredible job of supporting people whose lives and children have been damaged by narcissists. Swithin hoped to co-parent with her ex, but “was forced to set my rose-colored glasses on my desk and accept the reality that it is impossible to consciously co-parent when dealing with someone who has a personality disorder.” Normally conflict-avoidant, Swithin says it took her a year to understand that the source of her conflict was rooted in her ex’s narcissism. “Once I educated myself on this disorder, I was able to navigate the choppy waters of my own high-conflict divorce.”
Family Law Specialist Bill Eddy of The High Conflict Institute offers vital advice on how to prepare for court and effectively communicate with high-conflict exes. His book It’s All Your Fault! is a must-read for anyone who has to correspond with a parent who exhibits narcissistic or borderline features
2. Set boundaries
I talk to so many people who let fear of retaliation cripple them and their children. High-conflict personalities are not rational people. You can walk on eggshells all day long and you still won’t be able to make their behavior less crazy. If you don’t set limits, they’ll run your house, your kids, your mind, and your life. You need to model healthy boundaries for your children so they don’t grow up to be either bulldozers or doormats.
3. Talk to your children
Sometimes you need to tell your kids your side of the story. You do your children a disservice by letting them think that you don’t want to see them, you don’t want them to play Little League, or you have some mysterious mental illness. (Actually you’re suffering from High-Conflict Ex NOS, but it’s best not to share that!). If you don’t give them a balanced picture, they will grow up with a distorted version of reality and the inability to trust their own perceptions.
Practice Parallel Parenting
Trying to establish consistency between homes is hard enough with two reasonable people; it is next to impossible when one person is hard-wired for chaos. So stop trying to agree on parenting philosophies and household rules. Children will have a much easier time navigating different parenting styles than they will being caught in the cross-fire of co-parenting conflict.
Bottom line? Yes, conscious co-parenting is ideal, but it’s just not feasible for every divorced couple. It’s my hope that therapists and family law professionals will start to recognize this and advocate a parenting model that supports those families most in need of help.
(Photo by i-m-priscilla via unsplash)
As a woman married to a man who was several years out of his divorce when we met, I can attest to just how crazy and toxic some exs are. After 14 years I have learned a couple things from being witness to this dynamic. The crazy toxic ex spouse was always that way. Doesn’t matter if it wasn’t her decision or was her decision to leave the marriage. My husbands wife left him after a series of affairs she had. She finally found Mr. right, and literally moved him into their the martial home the day my husband was moving out. We have experienced nothing short of mafia shake downs from this woman. We were never allowed to be part of the planning process of special event for their children even though custody was split 50/50 physically. We were told who much to pay and if we balked she would run to the child and tell him Daddy didn’t love him enough to pay for 4 sports camps, and all the equipment and private lessons she felt were must haves. As the boys grew older it got worse. We were expected to pay for brand new cars when the first could drive. Mind you he has three kids each born two years apart. So we had literally thee 16 years for several months but all six kids piggy backed in ages. Sharing a car was out of the question, the mother wouldn’t have it. My kids shared a card bc my husband couldn’t help because he was tapped out. Same situation for college. His three gotten into private colleges. My husband and his ex decided to split costs equally with the children not having to contribute. After two years one child earned zero credits. Never went to class for four semesters. My husband went through $30k paying tuition and rent during that time. The son had a multitude of lies. At mid terms both years he promised he was on course. At the end of finals before he got kicked out it was because he suffered from anxiety. Meanwhile said child is vaping pot all day and drinking. He has now been home for three years and hasn’t worked. He is in therapy but continues to believe his anxiety is too debilitating to have a job and my husband gives him a pass. He sleeps until noon. Vapes and plays video games all day and then spends weekends back on his old college campus partying. My other step son was kicked out of university for getting a dui after ramming his car into a house in an attempt to miss a pedestrian. My husband and his ex immediately got him attorney and bailed out with slap on his wrist. He only lost driving privileges for a week. Immediately after the accident the ex ran out and bought the son a new Nissan Ultima. He was 22 at the time. After being kicked out, the parents continued to let him live on campus which then led to a major dope problem. When both boys would come to our house they would be high, have paraphernalia as well as alcohol. This started before they were 21. My husband turned a blind eye even though I made it clear I didn’t not want it in my house. My children were 19, 17, 13. But he never did anything. He would just say don’t go down to the basement. Because that’s where they’d hang out. His boys our now 25, 23, and 21. Only the 21 year old is in college. The 23 year old still doesn’t work. The mother will still call and demand my husband pay for car maintenance, new cell phones, trips with friends. Mind you she is making over $600k per year. My husband and I together make $375k but my ex contributes nothing for my kids. My ex started out as a bully but calmed down shortly after the divorce. If your ex was always toxic that will not change and will only get worse no matter if they wanted the divorce our not. I blame my husband for shielding me in the beginning to how evil she was. Had I know many of the crazy things she did like call the police in us when we were 5 minutes late for a drop off, and call my kids school to inquire about my children what they had on record about my parenting, going to my exes work when I was fist dating my husband to get dirt on me, I would have ran for the hills. Seeing that it doesn’t matter how old these kids get we will always have her as a thorn in our side due to my spouses lack of boundaries has my contemplating divorcing him after 14 years. Our children are super close although mine do feel slighted in how much he materially helps his kids that aren’t trying. Both my kids are in college dual majors or deans list. Unfortunately because my husband contributes so much to his kids, I can’t match those luxuries. My ex doesn’t have the income of my spouse. My husbands ex also decided at to follow us on any family vacation we take with their kids. Nothing like being on a crowded beach and having the crazy ex track where you are and find you because she makes her adult children still have life 360. I did get the courage to briefly separate but my husbands parents took his side and now have basically acted like me and my kids don’t exist anymore. I really don’t care what they think of me, my husbands brother is facing a felony dv charge which they are standing by him on, so that’s what I’m dealing with. It bothers me my kids are now nothing to them even though my husband and I are trying work through things. My parents and siblings have included my husband and step kids while we were separated in all our family functions as well as recognized their birthdays just as they always have. My kids see his parents as their grandparents and they spent a good amount of time with them over the years. My husband blames me for his parents actions saying that if I wouldn’t have imitated the separation his parents wouldn’t act like this to my children. At times I still really question staying in this relationship but I hate thinking about our six kids witnessing another family break up.